Promises
by Indian Summer 2378
Summary: Chakotay's love for Janeway goes way back to a special day in their past.
1. One moment

**Disclaimer: I own nothing...**

 **Many thanks to KJaneway115 who helped me with this!**

 **A/N: A little series to the talk Janeway, Chakotay and Tuvok had on the bridge in 'Latent Image'. For those who need a reminder, they argued about the '77th Emperor's Cup', a Sumo fight which took place before they got stranded in the Delta Quadrant and both, Janeway and Chakotay, were present.**

 **It's canon friendly with references to Jeri Taylor's 'Mosaic' and 'Pathways' (I think of them as canon),** **written from** **C** **hakotay's POV and broke into six chapters, each one is representing another point in his life.**

One moment

To: Lt. Commander Chakotay

From: Vice Admiral Paris, Starfleet HQs

I looked at the PADD once again. Admiral Paris formally requested me to his office but he didn't write why. I tried the last few days since I received the message unsuccessfully to remember something I've done wrong.

A sudden thought makes me shiver. Could he know about Sveta's proposal? What would happen if he knew?

Without wondering more I breathed three times deeply and walked into the building. Admiral Paris was somebody with influence in Starfleet, his name alone could frighten a man. But not me I said to myself as I entered the turbolift.

His aide sat behind her desk as I walked into the room.

"I'm Lt. Commander Chakotay," I introduced myself. "Admiral Paris wants to see me at 1100 hours."

"Yes, Commander." The lieutenant nodded. "In a few minutes he will have time for you. You can sit down." She pointed at some chairs at the right wall.

I sat down and shifted uncomfortably in the seat. What if the Admiral really knew about the Maquis and that they wanted me to join them? He probably knew about the Maquis, everybody in Starfleet knew.

The problem was I didn't want to join them. I didn't want to fight for my home. It wasn't my home anymore and it felt like I didn't know the people there anymore. The planet had lost its meaning for me. Starfleet was my life now. But what if the decision for me to leave 'fleet is already made? What if I have after this meeting no place to go to anymore? What if Sveta, the person who helped me into the arms of Starfleet also 'helped' me to be thrown out of it?

I started to perspire and felt nauseous.

Before my mind could make me more nervous than I already was the door opened. My throat was suddenly tight. I was on the edge of jumping and greeting the Admiral as I saw that a woman left the room. A woman I've seen before. A woman I think of every lonesome night. A woman who doesn't know me…

=/\=

I knew I was late. And I knew I had to step onto a lot of people's toes to get to my seat. It didn't bother me. I just wanted to see the fight. So I stepped on other people's feet, murmured excuses to any of them and finally sat down in my seat.

It was worth it. People will talk about this event in years. And I was here. I saw it with my own eyes.

It was great, really, but I saw something else there that changed me. Changed my way of thinking; changed my deepest wishes.

I saw _her_.

She walked after the fight in a current of people towards me. I was, as always, swimming against the stream. But this day it was my luck.

I don't remember the other people who passed me. But I will always recognize her wherever I'll see her.

I stopped, caught in her appearance and stared at her. She had the most beautiful eyes I ever saw, blue and sparkling with a happy shimmer. Her small mouth was curved in a slight, crooked smile. It was the sweetest smile I've ever seen. Her hips were dancing and her blue sweater swung loosely around her waist with every step. I wasn't able to look away.

A young man stepped at her side and laid his arm around her. She smiled lovingly at him and he kissed her soft, auburn hair.

I was jealous immediately. I couldn't help myself because she really seemed to adore that man and he seemed to adore her the same way.

Afterwards I said to myself a thousand times that it was only a tiny moment I saw her before they faded in the crowd. Logically I knew that you can't know a person when you saw him or her only in a blink of an eye but my heart betrayed my mind and in my memory the moment lasted hours. It was love at first sight.

=/\=

Today was no shimmer in her eyes and no smile on her face. It wasn't like a dance anymore when she walked. She seemed older, somehow broken. I don't know why and my heart had burst into pieces.

She wore a Starfleet uniform with the rank of a captain. I hadn't even known that she's in Starfleet. I haven't seen her in a Starfleet institution until today.

She was gone before I could react. I think she'd never even saw me sitting there. I wanted to see her again and be brave enough to speak to her. I could have asked Admiral Paris who she is, but I didn't.

I tried to soothe myself that it will be fate to see her again. I also could have asked around if anybody knew her but this seemed a little bit too much. I didn't know this woman and what would she think about me if I ran after her?

But if I'll see her a third time, I promised myself, I wouldn't let her simply walk away from me and I would do anything I can to let her eyes shimmer and her hips dance again.

I just have to meet her once more or I will be my whole life incomplete.


	2. Two captains

Two captains

It started as Tuvok told me the Starfleet vessel was hailing us. We'd just transported back from the Caretakers array to our ship and noticed B'Elanna was missing. I gave permission to open a channel and there she was. At the oddest place I would've ever suspected to meet her again: 70.000 light years away from earth. I struggled as I noticed that she knew my name and then she told me her name. Kathryn Janeway. Captain Kathryn Janeway. I thought this name fit her.

She told me she was sent to find me and my cell and with these words a light dawned. She was my enemy! She was Starfleet, I Maquis. I hated Starfleet. I had to hate Starfleet and the Federation. They've let us alone, haven't they?

I barely recognized how she told me she was missing one member of her crew and I answered automatically that I was missing my engineer. She asked me if we should try to find them together and moments later I stood on her bridge.

And now, in my dim lighted new quarters, I have to admit that in the moment I stood in front of her I noticed for the first time how angry I was. Not at her, just at everything and everybody.

I became suddenly aware of how my anger controlled me and my actions. I brought a weapon on her ship and I targeted her! I was ashamed I did and deeply worried.

As I saw Tom I couldn't control myself. I heard the words I was saying and she stepped between Tom and me to stop me. I looked down at her and she was so brave, so strong and yet… so different from the person I saw at the Emperor's Cup (I have changed too, of course). I was deeply impressed by her actions. This tiny… almost fragile looking woman stepped in my way and blocked my body. It was truly amazing. This woman _is_ truly amazing. I held back, Tom was abruptly unnecessary.

As she spoke I watched her out of the corner of my eyes and was caught in her appearance again. She was as petite and adorable as I remembered her but her face was hard and tensed.

We searched and found our missing crewmen together and during our search I noticed once more that I could barely control my anger, especially when Tom was involved but when she was near me I calmed down.

She was near me, spoke to me, knew my name and looked me in the eye! Years ago I would have done anything to have all this and now… now I do it with fury in my heart. How did I become this angry man? Where has the man gone who saw her years ago? Is he still there, buried under all this anger? I hope so and I think she can help me bring him back.

She asked me this evening to be her first officer. I agreed presently. We will work and live together on the same ship, 75 years away from Starfleet, away from home. Home? I don't have a home to go back to. The Cardassians have taken it away from me. There's the anger again… I have to concentrate on what matters. She and her crew, my crew… _our_ crew. They need a capable, loyal first officer. They need me. _She_ needs me.

I will do anything to ease her burden, I promise myself. I know what it feels like to be a captain and to have no one on your side. I was a captain but I am not anymore. Now I am a commander, a first officer, and I will be the best first officer she has ever known.

She is my captain and she is not alone out here. I am at her side.


	3. Three words

Three words

We were in paradise.

For me it was paradise, being together with her, alone, on a deserted planet.

For her…? I can't know for sure.

It was almost two years since we got stranded in the Delta Quadrant. It was hard but we've managed it so far. Our crews started to work together as one. I was proud and wished we could stay at their side but we were infected by an incurable virus and had to be left behind on this planet. A beautiful planet similar to earth. New Earth.

Even though I wished we could stay onboard I knew our crew would make it without us. I had faith in them, in them all.

After Voyager left we were alone, she and I. I had never even dreamed of a situation like this and I had dreamed a lot of us alone somewhere.

Through our time on Voyager I buried my feelings for her under the nice, loyal first officer but on some occasions I caught myself staring at her or trying to make her smile. I thought (or maybe I only imagined it) that she had liked it when I smiled at her. I knew that my dimples have an attraction to women, some also called them adorable, and I began to wonder if she likes them too.

I started to grin at her on purpose and observed her reactions. Sometimes a crooked smile (yes, _that_ smile from the Emperor's Cup that has a certain attraction to me), sometimes she blushed slightly or avoided eye contact. I know this could have been all inside my head but as we were on New Earth I began to realize that these feelings were mutual. _Mutual!_

I couldn't help myself and was doing from the very first day everything I could to make this new life more comfortable (for her, for me it was enough having her near me).

I built her a bathtub and headboards for both of us, cooked, dig a bed for her tomato plants and created many little things more.

She had trouble accepting we have to spend the rest of our lives on New Earth and she occupied herself many hours every day gathering insects to find a cure for our disease until a terrible storm stopped her efforts.

I was more concerned about her well-being during the storm but she had only eyes for her equipment. Nearly everything was destroyed and she was finally forced to settle down.

We needed long to clean up afterwards and in the evening I found myself suddenly standing behind her, massaging her neck. I felt her relaxing under my hands and as I noticed that I breathed in her sweet scent I stopped in my tracks. She became immediately tense, rose and said very politely thank you and good night.

She was nervous, I could see it, about what we had just done and she decided we have to define parameters. I laughed inwardly and thought that's perfectly her. She always wants clear lines.

I couldn't define parameters so I told her an ancient legend to let her know how I feel without saying it. She noticed of course that it's our story when we had met the first time (the first time she knows) and decided to combine our crews.

One tiny moment her eyes showed her love for me but she wasn't ready to say it out loud. It was okay for me. I could wait.

I prepared building a boat and planned a camping trip. She had told me her parents had made camping trips with her and her sister when they were kids.

I wanted to surprise her. The river, moonlight, a tent, champagne, and finally telling her I love her. Not wrapped in a story. Just the three words and letting her know even if she couldn't say it to me… yet.

I became excited in preparing the trip. I spent nights working on the plans for the boat. I spent days gathering berries and went fishing to save replicator rations for the champagne.

One sunny day I showed her my plan for the boat even if I wanted earlier to surprise her when it's finished but I was too anxious. She smiled wide and was as excited and happy as I was. And then her combadge chirped...

Tuvok told us they found a cure and are heading back for us. We were stunned and I tried not to show my disappointment but failed miserably. She was sad and disappointed too and it soothed me somehow.

I knew she wanted to go back onboard and take command again. I wanted it too.

Voyager came and we didn't say good-bye, it was more an unspoken agreement, but as we're back in our command structure she was ice-cold. I was taken aback and didn't know how to react except playing her game.

Now that I've some time to reflect I think she just needs time. She needed time to settle on New Earth too but I could kick myself that I waited. I thought we had the rest of our lives and when I now look at the plans for the boat my throat gets tight.

I miss her smile already, her scent, her hair down, how relaxed she was. I miss the way she touched me, her humor, her stories from her childhood. I simply miss _her_.

I saw the woman behind the captain. I know she hasn't shown and told me everything of her, but that's unnecessary. She opened herself to me like never before.

I will never tell her how I feel here on Voyager. I know she fears it. She thinks she doesn't deserve a relationship and is scared of the crew's reaction. I don't want to make her life harder so the only thing I can do is to be her friend and let this weeks behind me until we're back on earth.

I silently promise her that I'll stay by her side and that her needs and wishes always come first. Like I have told her.

But she will never prevent that I spend days and nights finding a faster way home. Because I want to get back to earth. As soon as possible.


	4. Four men

Four men

She hadn't seen me at the Emperor's Cup. I now know for sure.

I don't know how we came to this subject but we had a discussion with Tuvok about the fight on the bridge. She was so sure she knew who the winner was and too stubborn to accept Tuvok's or my opinion. She said she was there and as I argued that I was too she looked so surprised that I guessed that she hadn't seen me there.

The Doc interrupted us and struggled days over a decision he'd made long ago. I hadn't the chance to speak to her, she spent most of her time on the holodeck, helping him finding a conclusion while I covered her shifts on the bridge, but after she left the holodeck one night I met her in the turbolift on her way to her quarters. She rubbed her face tiredly and told me the Doctor had sent her to her quarters to rest after he had discovered that she was slightly feverish. I only gave her a nod in response and before I could ask her what I wanted to ask her for days she asked me, a little sheepish and with red cheeks (I didn't know if it was because of embarrassment or her fever), if I had seen her at the Cup. I surprised myself as I lied and said no. I don't know why I lied. Maybe because we knew each other almost five years and I have never mentioned it before. I asked her if she had seen me and she said no. I believed her. She was there with another man and hadn't probably seen much than him. Maybe that's why she doesn't remember the winner anymore.

I noticed I hadn't thought about this man in a long while and she never told me about him and I became curious but didn't want to ask her in the turbolift. I walked her to her quarters, bid her good night and retired to my own quarters.

But I was still curious about this mystic man. I knew it wasn't her former fiancé Mark. Maybe he was only her partner for a short time so it would be unnecessary to ask but an affair wouldn't be like her. She is the kind of woman who searches longer, deep relationships.

I sat down at my desk and told the computer the stardate of the day I saw them. I still remember the date like it was yesterday.

I began to count. She was already a Starfleet officer and as Voyager's executive officer I have full access to the files of the crew, only the captain's is partly classified, even for me, but I found what I was searching for.

She had at that time the rank of an ensign and was serving under Admiral Paris on the Al-Batani. I noticed that the Al-Batani wasn't long back on earth before the fight so she might have met him before or on the ship.

I searched the crew of the Al-Batani (even if I never thought she would date a colleague) but there he was. Lt. Justin Tighe, an engineer. She had never mentioned his name. I would have remembered it.

I opened his file and read a little about him. When and where he was born, when he joined Starfleet, on which ships he had served. Nothing interesting, except a few encounters with Cardassians.

I gasped and almost dropped my cup of tea as I read when he died. 2358. On Tau Ceti Prime. He died together with her father.

I had to switch off my screen to collect my thoughts. She had lost both on one day. And as I could guess from her face at the Cup, they were deeply in love. I swallowed hard and gave myself a few minutes before I activated my screen again.

I searched the whole night and found that she was off duty for months after the crash. I was reminded of our shuttle crash two years ago. She had an alien life form in her brain which created a vision of her father. She almost died but fought her way back to life. After this incident was the only time she allowed me to hold her on Voyager. She invited me on a moonlight sail on the holodeck. I asked her what she felt as she saw her father and she hesitantly told me about him and his death. She told me she was there, on the planet, with him. She wasn't able to say more and cried while I held her under the moonlight, soothing and comforting her.

She saw them both dying, I know now. It doesn't surprise me that she needed months to recover. She always seems so strong and tough but she had gone through hell. Maybe that's the reason why she never talks about this day. I don't how close Justin and she were but I do know that if it weren't a big deal for her she would talk about him.

Maybe that's the reason she doesn't allow herself to get involved with a crewmember. She did it once and it ended terribly.

I have the deep, deeper than usual, urge to go to her and take her in my arms. Protect and shelter her from everything bad. But of course she would never allow me to. And she is strong, she doesn't need to be protected. The only thing she needs out here is a friend. A friend she can talk to and who is there for her and I will be that friend she deserves. I promise.

I adore this woman. Her strong and endless courage. Her will to get us home. She is amazing and I love her more than ever.


	5. Five dates

Five dates

She had pushed me away. Day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year. Through our first years I thought I knew why and I accepted it, but somewhere, somehow I forgot the reason. And then Seven asked me for a date and I agreed. I was lonely. I was sad.

I once told her I couldn't sacrifice the present for a future that might never exist. Maybe there's no future for us, maybe it was all inside my head.

Our friendship began to suffer over the years. I didn't know why or when. It felt like she slipped away from me. We had fights, bad fights, over command decisions. Our arguments didn't go personal for a long time but suddenly they did.

I remembered the first time I had to stop her. Equinox. She was so… so blind. So angry. I had to raise my voice on the bridge like never before. And then the incident with Noah Lessing… I didn't recognize her anymore. She was cold, heartless. She wasn't the Kathryn I knew anymore. She wasn't even the captain I knew anymore. She had changed. For the worse.

I did my duty, we still had dinners in her quarters but it wasn't the same. I prayed to get home to earth, to end this journey. Life on Voyager was getting tiresome but our journey would take almost two more years before the admiral, her older self, came onboard to bring us home, and there I saw her future. A lonely future. A bitter future.

She had aged gracefully, outwardly, but she was selfish and obstinate. There were rumors that the Admiral had to deal with a lot of losses through her long journey home so she had decided to help us come back earlier.

I didn't know what the two of them talked about. She and I didn't talk very much those days but I knew they hadn't a common understanding at the beginning. But finally she and the Admiral found a compromise and out of the blue we were home. _Home!_

Starfleet was as surprised as we were and after only three days they had escorted every member of our families to earth and threw a gigantic home-coming banquet.

Our crew decided that everyone had to dress up for this occasion and I wore, like most of the men, a black suit while she wore the most beautiful dress I've ever seen. I'm sure she noticed that I was staring at her before I offered her my arm and we attended the banquet together, but only because we were the command team not because of friendship or…

After dinner I would've liked to dance with her but every time I tried to get to her somebody else distracted me. As she finally came to me late this evening I thought this would be my moment, that I could talk to her privately, but she only said good-bye like nothing had happened and walked away. She _just_ walked away.

Today I was out with Seven the fifth time. We were in a restaurant at the Embarcadero which reminded me of my date with Valerie Archer, or the alien who said she was Valerie Archer.

She suggested a Chinese restaurant at the Embarcadero and said with a wink I should be back before midnight. I caught myself smiling as I remembered this. I always thought about her, even when I was with Seven. I thought I could be happy with Seven. I suddenly realized I couldn't.

My mind began to run. What am I doing here? How did I get here? I didn't want Seven. I never wanted someone other than… _her_.

Didn't I say after I saw her the first time she's the one? Didn't I promise myself I would never let her go? Didn't I promise myself I would help her eyes shimmer and her hips dance again? I did. So where have my promises gone? Just out of the nearest airlock as it got a little harder?

I decided instantly that I have to do something. I once sat still except running after her. I won't make that mistake again…


	6. Six promises

Six promises

I sit on our back porch watching our two year old twins jumping through muddy puddles that was a lawn once. Both are squeaking and yelling in blissful excitement and I imagine her face when she sees how mucky they are. They probably need a bath in her big tub, but these days she is used to sharing.

I chuckle as one of them slid gleefully on its belly through a puddle. It's great to see that they don't need much to be happy. I don't need much either. I just need her… and now our children of course.

I shift our baby on my shoulder, it is sleeping peacefully, and remember the first time she said she loved me. I was absolutely stunned. We had our third date and this one ended in her bedroom. I thought I couldn't get happier but as she snuggled tight against me in the lazy morning hours and told me she loved me I thought I would start to fly.

Our third date is the one I remember often not only because of what had happened through the night and morning. I just have to look at these two little persons on our 'lawn', who came eight months later. They were not planned but we didn't care. We were endlessly happy.

I was concerned as she went into labor. It was too early and the Doctor was busier with calming me than looking after her. I held her hand, or she mine, and I'm still proud how she managed these hours until our tiny, fragile but adorable and simply perfect babies were born.

These two adorable and simply perfect babies have turned into two small… children who are now standing face to face, hands on hips, and babbling seriously with each other. I shake my head in amusement and think of the day she found out that she was pregnant again.

It was a week after our wedding and probably a bigger surprise than the first two. We had gone through so much in the Delta Quadrant that we'd agreed to wait with a marriage and solve our problems first, even if we already knew our relationship was going to last. And as our twins were on the way, born and grew we still kept our agreement but on their first birthday I knew the time had come. She was surprised as she came out on the candle-lit back porch after she had put them to bed but before I could start she stopped me. She must have seen my fear because she took my hand and kissed me softly before we sat side by side down and she reluctantly began to tell me about her previous engagements and her feelings about them and for the very first time she mentioned Justin's name. I knew then that it was time for another revelation this evening. I was afraid of how she would react but as I told her my story she smiled overwhelmed while tears were streaming down her cheeks. She was so happy that I had seen them together, that I know Justin and what he looked like. It was like a weight was lifted from her shoulders. We talked for hours this night until I recognized that I hadn't asked her what I wanted to ask. And as I did she said yes.

I can't suppress a wide grin and caress the baby's back for a little distraction. Slowly it's starts to stir. It's hungry. Of course she knows before I can call her. She steps out of the door, smiles at me and takes the baby. I rise and kiss her before I join the muddy couple. I see out of the corner of my eye how she looks in their direction and shakes her head and I imagine how she purses her lips.

The twins are now even happier and having fun with throwing mud at their father. I am covered from head to toe with moist dirt as I turn to my wife, watching her lay the baby in the cradle. She turns around and gives me my favorite smile which still, after all these years, has a certain attraction to me. As she walks down the steps to us I recognize her eyes shimmer and her hips dance, because of me, because of our family.

I am staring at her and recognize too late that each twin grabs one of my legs and I'm lying in a puddle before I can stop them. I raise my head and wipe my eyes and see that she holds her stomach while she laughs. She even has tears in her eyes. The twins are giggling cheerful and I grin in return but am already planning my revenge.

I sit up and watch her walking over to our crazy offspring. They don't even think of throwing mud at her. She bends over their heads and speaks softly and I have to think of the promises I gave her. She doesn't even know they exist, except for one.

I promised to let her eyes shimmer and her hips dance again. I did it.

I promised to be a loyal first officer and ease her burden. I did it.

I promised to leave New Earth behind me until we got home and never let my feelings interfere in our professional relationship. I did it (almost every time).

I promised to be her friend, a friend she can talk to and who is there for her. I did it.

I promised to not let her walk away without telling her I love her. I did it (and I'm proud I did!).

And finally, on our wedding, I promised to love her forever, to care for her on every new day and to fill her life with hope and happiness.

I'm still staring at her and she seems to feel my gaze because she turns her head and look at me. I grin in her direction and as she smiles her crooked smile back at me I have to blink a few tears away.

This woman is the love of my life. I knew since the day I saw her. On the day of the 77th Emperor's Cup.


End file.
